Funky Monkey
My Tab Key is Broken and Whether or Not This Film is Good is Inconsistent ' '''Never at one point in my fucking meaningless, miserable, lonely, worthless, existence did I, in my wildest imagination, believe that I’d end up here, arguing that ''Funky Monkey, one of the greatest films in existence, is a honest to goodness Chrimbus film. Along with this I need to get four fucking pages, FOUR PAGES worth of bullshit, I could be doing so many more productive things but no fuck that, fuck adopting poor underprivileged minority babies, fuck feeding the homeless, fuck volunteering at a veterans shelter, and most of all “fuck donating money to cancer, I hate people with cancer they can suck my dangling, screw relay for life” (Morphy 69). But instead I guess I’m stuck alone in my room with my pants around my ankles instead of totally doing all those things I could totally be really actually doing. So “Anyways” (Salinger I don’t know fucking all of it) Funky Monkey, ''what is it? Is it a weird furry porn game? Yes. Is it animal rights propaganda? Yes. Is it an Animorph? YES. Is it a musical? I THINK SO. Have I ever watched it? FUCK NO I WOULDN’T WISH ANOTHER GOD AWFUL AIR BUD RIPOFF ON MY WORST ENEMY. Should we watch it at Jesus-Fuck Junction? FUCK YES. Is it a chrimbus movie? Probably not. Is it not ''Boyhood? FUCK YES! Is it a thing you can shove your three kids in front of for an hour and a half while the man delivers mom his package? YOU BET! Will I prove these outlandish claims? PROBOABLY FUCKING NOT BUT ILL BE DAMNED IF IM NOT GOING TO TRY. Alright Oathbreaker, Shan, if you’ve gotten this far without saying “man fuck this” (ChuckleFuck Junction Cast 2015) just remember a few things as you continue. I can and will do much, much, MUCH, worse if you reject this one, I’ve got a lot of pent up rage and sexual frustration and I’m not afraid to take it out on you doo-doo heads via my movie choice. Alright now with that in mind let me, let you, let your eyes see, and your brain process these words I’m about to type in the next sentence. My opinion is going to be biased when I say that Funky Monkey ''is an excellent film and we should watch it at Jesus-Fuck junction, in my eyes it is only below ''12 years a boy ''and ''Agitated Andy: Outrage Avenue ''on my top movie films of the last 148 and a half-moons, so remember that and remember Remember Me while you’re at it. Alright so now that I shoved enough shit on that first page to clog the great Shit-Hole of Emperor ''Ukudi’ryth’Itgotr’Astogtot’Tumbus, but that’s a story for another time. Now, I’m no fancy, pansy, big city writer, with their Dreamcast LAN parties, and unusual knowledge and appreciation for the works of Uwe Boll. But I do know a thing or two about Chrimbus movies and I do that Funky Monkey ''better than all of them, nay ''Fukny Monkey ''is better than Jesus of Nazareth himself. Why? I hear you asking and I ask myself how you got the fucking duct tape off? What did Jesus even do? For real, I mean real like he got a bunch of Jews out of the desert and into like Europe or some shit and then like a few years later they all died in the concentration camps so like there’s one point for ''Fuck my Monkey. Did the bibble ever even give credit to like the real authors or all the dudes and dudettes that helped Jesus get crucified like what the name of the Roman Soldier #1 like extras have unions and shit they’re scary best give them their fucking credit for botching their walk across the back of the shot. But like there was no special thanks given fucking Jesus got all the fucking credit, now that is not the case for Yknuf Yeknom no, they give credit where credit is due and boy oh boy is there credit due I mean when you are making a masterpiece like this film every puzzle piece of the puzzle needs to fit in its exact puzzle piece place or the picture being produced probably procreates profuse profanity over the probability of its inevitable shitiness. Now that’s not the case for Funk Monk no, all 226 souls sacrificed during the making of this film (God rest their souls) were given the credit they deserve point two for me. I’m just going to jam this next part in there two reviews of each of these fine products to further my point that Fu Mo Nknk Yey ''is better than Jesus. Alright here’s a review of my favorite film composed by the genius film critic MakeHam98 “10 stars Run, don't walk to your nearest video store and get this film! We were fortunate to get it on our MVP membership at Hollywood Video so it was free! It's worth twice that much! The title character is a genetically enhanced super-chimp that is not only very intelligent, but possesses keen Ninja skills as well. Not only that, but he is apparently able to change his height from shot to shot in this awesome movie! Sometimes he's your basic 3 foot tall primate, and other times it looks like he's a human sized ninja fighting side to side with partner Matthew Modine! Wow! This ape is super-talented! Add to this stellar performances from both Taylor Negron and Gilbert Gottfried - what can you say - box office magic! 10 stars! Brain cells - use them or lose them!” (Makeham98 1) alright now Stan before you get your buttplug in a twist I will make up the space from that quote later on. Alright now that’s a pretty good review and I believe that all of it is true. It really is most of the actor’s career highpoint, comparable only to the ''GadFadder, the great film in which Josh Gad shrieks the entire script of the Godfather ''in in an empty room, directed by Stan and Gayler, release: Early 2018. Now the Bibble review by amazon user Voss, I believe it is a company that makes overpriced water like an asshole. “1 star ‘less than impressive fiction’: The first half of this novel includes a lot of gratuitous sex and violence, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But it then seems to degenerate into endless racism and sexism. The second half, while slightly more coherent, is plodding.” Now I think that says it all, this film is better than Jesus and therefore transcends Genre and gender it is above everything before and therefore is a chrimbus film. But I know you sloppy pigs are the same fagwads that complain when your favorite anime waifu in your favorite anime workout video has a pixel clip on here short pants and it really kills your boner, so I’ll give you more evidence even though it is pretty much unnecessary. How many careers has Jesus ended? None. How many careers has Clemons (the monkey in this moving picture) ruined? Arguable the career of everyone who has come into contact with this film has been tainted but that’s immessurable due its immense tininess and insignificance, kind of like my penis. But there is one career that is inarguably finished and that is the wonderful and successful career of one Rick Ducommon who tragically passed earlier this year, will he be on the Oscar reel of dead rich people? No and that is a crime against cinema almost as much as the birth of Ricardo Linkleladder (now for the one person who doesn’t know who that is *cough* Rober*cough* he made ''12 years a boy ''and ''21 years before Ethan Hawke). Now Ricky, he was a fine actor many remember for his role in I Die Hard as Walt or his portrayal of Larry in Amazing Stories, ''but I remember him for his role as Father Rick in this film. Now Father Rick is such a well written, terrifically acted character that it was possible for Ricky to retire after this film was released, because that’s what happened, despite what the haters say. The haters keep hating on Ricky saying this film ended his career because he was never in another film, NO, that’s fucking wrong quit hating. Where was I going with this? Anyway let’s talk money, and I mean MON-AY, I’m talking those commas in yo bank account nigga. Nigga get that 401k and don’t forget that Freeza saga be too damn long nigga. I’m… so sorry the disease is spreading I… can’t control it. But the budget, what was the budget for the bible? I don’t know like 9 beads or some shit they didn’t have USD back then I don’t… get off my fucking back alright. ''Krunky Dumpty’s cost more and we all know if something is more expensive it’s more gooder like the new Star Wars Battlefront. So anyway the budget for this fast-paced, action-stuffed, monkey knife fight, is a little more than the Bible so therefore it is a little betterer. How much betterer? Only 30 million so not very much. This movie just went all out on every aspect getting the biggest stars to wr on it, getting the hippest primate to star as Clemons. Even the cover just bleeds money you had to pay at least, AT LEAST five twelve year olds with GIMP to do this masterful cover art, and the tagline, oh my, don’t get me started, He’s One High Tech Super Chimp. S. Fott Citzferald got nothing on this boiiiiii. Now by this point I imagine Stan is scoffing and asking “ECH, ECCCCHHHH, WH…WHERES THE ARCHYTYPES… THIS…THIS MEME IS SO STALE UCH PPPPFFFPTPTPPPFTPFPFTPF H…HE DOESN’T EVEN TALK ABOUT THE STORYYYYYY” Stan then closes his semen stained laptop, gets up from his semen stained chair as his semen stained pants crinkle like a semen stained bag of chips, and he walks over the semen stained floor to the semen stained corner of his semen stained basement where his semen stained Ariana Grande shrine resides he then gets down on his semen stained knees as he apologizes for his semen stained trespasses and sacrifices another semen stained body pillow to his one true waifu, he then lights a semen stained candle as a final offering as he heads back to his semen stained bed and rests his semen stained head for the night. That’s you Stan, that’s what you sound like, that’s what you do, fuck you. Now Stan let me explain this in a way your semen stained ears can understand I know it’s hard for you to hear with the caked in semen that’s built up from all the moons. Clemons the super high tech monkey has a deceivingly simple plot and I don’t want to ruin anything for you guys, you really need to just EXPERIENCE this film like I did, no spoilers, no prior knowledge of the plot, and just let it all seep into your being. I mean this film is so artful there were actually vigorous reshoots because they thought this film was too intelligent and ahead of its time for the common filth dwelling masses in America. This film was originally titled Hairy Tale and was shot entirely in France and had no dialogue, it was described by the few critics who saw it as “… an entrancingly bizarre suburban horror-adventure, I don’t know who I am anymore”. But tragically when the studio producing this film saw an early cut of it they didn’t get it just like my dad and they were forced to move to America and reshoot almost all of the film making the action, comedy, adventure, family film we all know and love today. A lot of people actually misgenre this film a lot it is not a horror film you’re just fucking dumb #yesallfunkymonkeys. So this films oppressed too if you don’t pick it I will tell SJW’s on you. Not only is this film oppressed but so is one of the actors, Jeffery Tambor, best known from the hit television show Transparent yakow the one about the transgender grandpa, what a hit. So really if you say no fuck you. There are countless themes and archetypes in this film that relate to Christmas but I’ll let you guys discover those for yourself and that’s really what this film is about, discovery, it allows the viewer to discover their body while Clemons discovers he is a football playing secret agent monkey. I’ve said too much already, oh boy are you guys in for a treat if you pick me for most handsy boy. I guess I can let you guys know a little bit about this film, I’ll give you just the tip mmmm yeah you like that, oh you want more, guess youre going to have to consent first boys, but really when has that ever stopped Stan? Because he’s a rapist, Get it? Alright so all I am legally allowed to diverge about this film is what it says on the back of its sleek, modern packaging. “Alright here goes” (Me every time I have sex), Young Michael Dean just met the coolest new friend. Clemons is funny, smart and a head-knocking, body-flipping, kung-fu expert. By the way, he’s also a chimpanzee”. Now please, if you would, shove all the cum that just erupted from one of your holes back into whatever hole it came from because I’m not fucking done yet. As if the rest of that shit wasn’t enough I still got some left in me, either that or I’m gassy. SO, did you notice how none of these fine points I have made lead nowhere and I haven’t proven a single thing and how my argument is very loose and also how this paper is bad and not funny funny haha. Well that’s because I suck and life is meaningless. Moving on, you know who else made this film? THAT”S RIGHT, the man, the myth, the legend, the certified FUCKFREAK himself Xin Xin Xiong, he’s some blueberry-stealing Asian and he makes good kung-fu punches and kicks. He coordinated the stunts for this masterpiece. He also coordinated stuffing the fucking monkey into all his wacky costumes. The other notable man behind the scenes is none other than our favorite pedophile (no not Stan), yes you guessed it loser, THAT”S RIGHT, the man, the myth, the legend, the the certified FUCKFREAK himself Michael Goi-San, he’s some blueberry-stealing Asian and he makes good teenage girls talking about blowjobs films. He did all the cinematography for this film. He also coordinated all the child actors into the back of the set during filming. Now I know we all love a good cinematography and who else to give this to us than the former American Society of Cinematographers PRESIDENT, that’s right fuckwads we got royalty up in this bitch #yesallmichaelgois. I have been moving slowly away from how the fuck this thing relates to chrimbus but I don’t fucking care anymore, its late, I just ate a whole pound of chocolate covered almonds and my soul hurts, but I really want to watch this excellent film and I hope you fukcers do too so ill bring it all back around town to the focus of this madness. The last notable person responsible for this piece of art that truly deserves more recognition than it got. THAT’s RIGHT, the man, the myth, the legend, the the certified FUCKFREAK himself Bodhi Elfman, he’s some fucking guy who is in this movie I don’t remember his character but his name is fucking BODHI ELFMAN and I actually know the latin roots of his name so ill enlighten you with that now. Bodhi: from the Latin root Point Break, why yes I could use it in a sentence “BODHI DON’T/GET DOWN?” (The agent that’s been undercover two weeks and needs to pick what side he’s really on, Point Break trailer 2 in theaters December 25, 2015) alright so that’s where that’s from. Elfman: from the Latin root elf, yakow like in fucking Christmas yeah, that’s what I thought, I brought it all around, fuck you ill connect my fist to your face, but by fist I mean my lips and by face I mean your lips, and I’m going to connect them softly. Alright so I’ve just been told I need REAL connections to Christmas well shit I though because Clemens is better than the son of GOD, which I’ve established I didn’t need any of that poor people shit. Well anyway I don’t know what an archetype is and also I can’t read so I’m going to do my best. Hero: uhh unusual birth right well Clemens had an unusual birth, I mean he IS a monkey and who knows how the fuck those things get born, I sure don’t, also his Mama and Papa are gone because he gets kidnapped by Z.I.T, dammit I’m saying too much again. Well that like his quest and his trial like he gets kidnapped and has to overcome adversity with his MENTOR which is another archetype, Michael, he teaches Clemens how to do football and be secret agent. Then they like infiltrate the BAD GUYSSSSSSSSS. So there like archetypes like Jesus had also like yaknow how Jesus had 3 wise men who brought a little baby boy Gold, Frankensteins and Bill Burr, well this movie has 3 wise men too they are, Michael Goi-San, Xin Xin Xiong and Bodhi Elfman. But instead of the 3 wise men they’re the 3 certified, genuine, grade-A FUCKFREAKS. And they bring good cinematography, super sick stunts, and loose connections to a fake holiday, respectively. No but for realizes like all the archetypes are there because this script and screenplay are FUCKING TITE and are perfect but I can’t get into detail because I’ll ruin it I’ll update this with all the real shit after we watch, which we’re totally going to do, Yeah that’s right. I have one more connection that is like truly next level shit son like I’m going to say it and its going to be like crazy as M. Night Shamalomadingdong shit, like “this stuff, this stuff right here, this is the good stuff, this is the right stuff, this is the dust off stuff, this is all you should use to clean your gaming PC” (How to clean your gaming gear) ok but really now here’s the bombshell the last nail in my little cousin’s baby coffin, well the last nail there was that he didn’t get vaccinated, but anyway alright you fuckers ready to get laid flat? I’m sure by now that you’ve seen my excessive use of fucking question marks, well let me be the first to tell you. No that’s not because I’m a giant faggot, no that’s because ALL YOU FUCKERS JUST GOT PRANKED OHHHHH SHIT I GOT YOU ALL SOOOOO FUCKING GOOD YOU DIDN”T EVEN FUCKING KNOW YOU’RE ALL SO FUCKING DUMB OMG LMAO, IM TOTALLY LMAO’ING RIGHT NOW XDDDD I JUST LMAOED SO HARD MY LAPTOP FELL OUT OF MY GREASY CHEETO FINGERS AND OFF OF MY SEMEN STAINED BED AND NOW MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS BROKEN. COUNT THE FUCKING QUESTION MARKS YOU FUCKING LOSERS I HOPE YOU CAN FUCKING COUNT THAT HIGH AFTER JUST BEING PRANKED SO FUCKING HARD OMG YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS DIDN’T EVEN KNOW, LIKE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN THE GOOD END BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T FIND ALL THE BOBBLE HEADS, OH MY GOD HOW FUCKING DUMB CAN YOU BE OH MY GOD. THERES 25 QUESTION MARKS YOU GOOBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 25 YEAH THAT’S RIGHT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HAS 25. FUCKING CHRIMBUS IS THE 25TH DAY OF DECEMBER YOU ALL JUST GOT SOOOOOOOO FUCKING PRANKED. But in all honesty it is just a prank bro, all of it. The essay, this pay-per view, our whole existence as a whole. I mean what are we here for, what are we meant to do besides die? It happened to the dinobots and all the little fucking trilobite niggas before them. That is what we are waiting for, the next big extinction, I mean we are already working at an alarming rate to get there with all the animals we are hunting to extinction and all the CO2 being emitted by our horribly flawed transportation and our wives’ hair spray. So keep this in mind as you say to my paper, life is short, we are going to die, we are all worthless and should probably kill ourselves, so what do you have to lose in picking my favorite film. I just want to put a little joy into this shit hole and I believe this film is the way to do it. Merry Chrimbus you filthy animals. ~~~~Fin~~~~ Knowledge is free We are anonymous We are legion We do not forgive We do not forget Expect us